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Topic: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic) (Read 1109 times) |
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Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« on: 12/17/03 at 19:48:12 » |
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Synn was in the Sleeping Fox Inn playing cards with a couple of friends. Synn decided to himself that this was getting bored and he needed some action. Synn... not much for armor put on a Oak Vest and grabed his Iron Staff. Synn colected his money and told his friends he was off on a adventure. Synn was on his way to North Nightmist and saw the bank near him. Synn went inside the bandkdeposited the money he won and was back on his way. While Synn was walking through some type of medow he saw many Bunnies and many Bunny Fur laying around everywhere. Synn was still wondering around the medow when he found a Deer with his back turned. Synn walked up quietly behind the Deer and swong his mighty Iron Staff at the deer, but the deer felt the wind moving towards him and Jolted away. Synn did not let this bother him because he knew there were many other deer. Synn then continues to wonder around the medow, but stops. He sees a huge Spiders Web, but no spider to be seen. Synn turns around about on his way to leave the spiders web when he fells something coming at him! Synn turns around and sees a huge Sentry Spider making it's way towards him. Synn does not run, but stands there and fights. Synn and the Sentry Spider have a huge fight. Synn is about to die and swings his last shot at the Spider hoping to kill it, which he does. Synn notices a healing potion laying on the ground near him and reaches for it, but when he grabs it the grass he is standing on gives way and he falls into some Tunnel. Synn starts to make his way down the tunnel when he sees a path. Synn takes the path, but it's a trap!!! Synn starts to frantic and screams for help! But no one... Synn has been there for a couple of hours and manages to get out one last word before he passes out
Synn:"Help!!"
Note: This is my first R/P so please if you find it stupid keep your opinions to yourself
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dec
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Don't F**K with the Irish
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Re: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« Reply #1 on: 12/17/03 at 19:58:45 » |
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nice story there. Just a few pointers fells was meant to be feels i take it, no bigy you might want to read over it before you post and maybe you could devlop parts of your story a bit, such as the fight maybe it wasn't mean to be long but it would have made the story more intresting.  just trying to help don't rant at me.
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http://goten677.tripod.com
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Re: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« Reply #2 on: 12/17/03 at 20:22:01 » |
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Yea, that only took me like 7 mins to write/think of it.. I just wanted to see what it felt like to RolePlay.. It was pretty kewl.. I may do it again someday
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Mephistroth
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Thanks to Anubis for letting me use the image :P
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Re: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« Reply #3 on: 12/17/03 at 22:27:27 » |
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Not bad, but you used Synn WAY too many times.
Edit: I know you said to keep your opinions to yourself.. but thats easily fixed.
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Ok, so I kinda didn't ask.. oh well
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Re: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« Reply #4 on: 12/17/03 at 22:55:50 » |
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on 12/17/03 at 19:48:12, Synn wrote:
Note: This is my first R/P so please if you find it stupid keep your opinions to yourself |
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I ment if you we're going to Flame me keep it to yourself. I found that if I use I or Me to much the Reader would get lost and forget who I was.. Also that was kinda a 3rd person r/p  Not sure if there has been any of them... Next time I will go 1st person and do a little 3rd person. Thanks for trying to help me 
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Mephistroth
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Thanks to Anubis for letting me use the image :P
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Re: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« Reply #5 on: 12/18/03 at 20:38:51 » |
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I don't pretend to be good at Englsih, so my example is probably crap, but I hope it gives you a general idea.. lol
''Synn was still wondering around the medow when he found a Deer with his back turned''
Instead, you could do:
While travelling through the medow, he stumbled accross a Deer.. etc'
Not a good example, but hey.. It makes a change from having Synn at the start of each sentance.
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Ok, so I kinda didn't ask.. oh well
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Matt
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Re: Help?! (Not Asking for help.. just topic)
« Reply #6 on: 12/20/03 at 18:24:36 » |
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(OOC) Use OOC people!!
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"Faith; noun. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel." --- Ambrose Bierce
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