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Topic: The Diciple (Read 970 times) |
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Kazul
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The Diciple
« on: 04/21/03 at 18:58:34 » |
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This is a story i am writing, the first chapters are already done, lemme know what u think, i'll post the others later.
Many ages ago in a land now held as little more than a myth lived a proud and strong race of people known as the Hygilians. They were a peaceful people who had spent many years living by the sword, and now with the conquering of the one enemy that had kept them from tranquility wished only to settle down and prosper.
As the years past they rebuilt their war torn land and made it far grander than any place on this planet. The kind and just King Hygiliac had fought bravely in many battles and won the respect of the people who gladly served him.
The King bore two sons from his beautiful wife Elisandra. Graken, the younger brother, and the heir to the thrown and the kingdoms mightiest warrior Hawken. These young men were very special. Each of them had been born with one of the 6 sacred marks of the council of the light. Both were meant to represent both their alignment, and their kingdom in the council.
Hawken had the mark of the flame, and Graken held the elemental mark of Earth. They were trained to use their abilities as they grew, and are the commanders of the armies of their kingdom. It is here where our story must now begin.
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| « Last Edit: 04/24/03 at 17:23:02 by Kazul » |
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Limit
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #1 on: 04/21/03 at 21:05:25 » |
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too much time lol j/k
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #2 on: 04/21/03 at 22:21:03 » |
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naw, i write in my down time in classes when i'm bored.
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DemonSkys
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #3 on: 04/22/03 at 22:13:11 » |
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you need to space out the paragraphs more otherwise it looks fine and might become quite an intersting story 
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #4 on: 04/24/03 at 02:15:19 » |
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thats just the intro to the story, i wanted to see if anyone would be interested in hearing the rest since i have already written the first 4 chapters. I'll probably post the first chapter on friday, or maybe tomorrow, depending on if i have the time.
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DemonSkys
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #5 on: 04/24/03 at 10:12:29 » |
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it sounds as thought it might have some promise it just takes a bit to adjust to the clumping of writing.. spacing stuff helps as there are some of us like myself that are dyslexic and when the paragraphs aren't space and commas used it confuses us .. good job so far though
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #6 on: 04/24/03 at 17:23:33 » |
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i spaced it out a bit more, and will do so with the other chapters as well, my apologies for that.
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Limit
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #7 on: 04/28/03 at 07:22:42 » |
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So Joel you have more chapters done? Cuz it takes 2 minutes to read what you did maybe even less. We are all waiting in anticipation for your next mind thrilling chapter of The Diciple
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #8 on: 04/29/03 at 21:29:18 » |
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that wasn't a chapter ryan, it was the introduction.
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #9 on: 04/29/03 at 21:38:26 » |
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I have done some editing to the story on my laptop, the next chapter will be posted soon.
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Limit
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #10 on: 04/29/03 at 23:45:41 » |
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 we can hardly wait
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Maesse
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #11 on: 05/01/03 at 18:03:54 » |
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Quite intriguing. I look forward to reading more into this story line. (I get into the whole elements and warrior theme's)
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Fallen angels at my feet·Whispered voices in my ear·Death before my eyes·Lying next to me I fear·She beckons me·Shall I give in·Upon my end shall I begin?
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #12 on: 05/01/03 at 18:36:32 » |
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Chapter 1
As the sky burned brithtly with the setting sun a messenger rode like the wind towards the city of Acadia, the capital city of the Hygelian Kingdom. Charging into the throne room the yound man ran towards the king breathless and panicked. He surged forward to the torone and stopped. Falling to his knees, the young man looked toward the king and between gasps for air began to speak quickly. "Milord, the Valmarians have once again began amassing an army in the east.....they are but two days march from us!"
Great fear swept through the hearts of all who heard these words. Questios flew through the room. "how could they have come back already, did we not destroy Valmont?", many asked. "Order!", the king shouted immediately. We must begin preparation immediately to protect our people."
The first step taken was to organize an escort detail to take all women and children safely to the caves built into the side of Mount Antrioch to the north.
Now came the enlisting of every man capable to protect the town itself. From the outlying towns came reinforcements. Sonn their force had grown to four thousand strong. At their head were the mighty brothers, their captains. All through this day the clash of swords and shields was heard as men prepared for war. endless thunder shook the ground as a force none of them could prepare for marched their way.
As darkness fell on the night before the battle would take place, the king slept silently in his bed. As the moon rose to it's highest point an intruder crept fquietly into the chapbers and frew their weapon slowly to strike down Hygiliac. As the unknown assassin prepared to strike a deathbow the door burst open and a dagger shot through the night air from the skilled hand of Graken and piercd the hand of the assailant and causing him to drop his sword. The intruder quickly fled through the window and Graken turned to see his father dead. The sword had fallen on the neck of the king and had cut his throat.
Graken's eye's burned with fury as he knelt at his fathers side and raised the sword of the assassin from the ground. Shock and disbelief filled his heart, it was the Einlanzer, his brother's sword. The ground began to shake with power and fury as Graken marched towards Hawken's room. The aura of power surging from him was apparent and powerful.
Within an instant Graken had shot through the door and had his sword at the throat of his brother as he lie in bed. hawken tried to look innocent, asking his brother immediately, "brother, why do you do this "i know your deeds of thsi night foul deceiver.", Graken shouted. "For the blood you have shed, shall your own now be spilt coward." Raising his sword, Graken prepared to deliver justice as he saw fit when their mother screamed out from the doorway, "Wait!" Turning his head to see his mother rush in Graken was caught off guard and that was all the time Hawken required to summon a ball of flame from his hand striking his brother directly in the face horribly scaring him.
Hawken then erupted from his bed and seized the Einlanzer from Graken's hands and leapt out the window out of sight.
In great pain, and very confused Graken lie on the ground, unable to see. Elisandra rushed to the side of Graken who was then taken to the castle infirmary where they did their best to keep the scaring to a minimum using their limited healing magic. Luckily his eyesight was preserved.
As the battle was only hours off, the city was restless with news of the betrayal o fone of their Generals, and the death of their King. The people began to lose faith in their cause and now were refusing to fight. Prince Graken stood in front of his people now as their king, and attempted to reason with them. The people shouted jeers, for they did not recognize, or believe him and casted his pleas for vigilance as that of a fool insisting on fighting insurmountable odds.
They began throwing stones at him, and he ran from the streets where people were preparing to flee the town.
Graken lost all care in whether these people who would not stand alone were destroyed. he strapped on his jet black armor, then placing a cloak of Dark Brown on to cover his face, he walked into the armor to draw his sword from it's resting place. Reaching out slwly Graken seized the sword and felt the power of it course through his veins. I must now describe this blade to you, for it is unlike any you have seen, or could even imagine.
In Graken's youth he journeyed deep into Mount Antrioch and in a dark cavern that allowed only one beam of light to peak through a crack in the walls, saw light reflecting off a metal object in the water. Graken dove into the water and seized the object, he then swam to the surface and dragged the weapon onto the ground. It was amazing, a sword of nearly six feet in height, 3/4 of a foot wide. The blade made of a Dwarven craft that had long since left the world. It was unlike anything he had ever seen. Then his eyes were drawn to the hild of the blade which was solid black mithril. Around the hilt many runes were engraved. later when Graken translated the runes, he read the words aloud. "Behold, you wield the Disciple."
Lashing the mighty blade to his back, Graken snuck quietly out of the palace, giving up the life he had once lived for the seeking of his vengeance.
He spoke quietly to himself as he walked out of the town forever amidst the crowd of thousands of men leaving as well. The Utopia they had strived so hard for was gone forever. Swept away in a cloud of fear and doubt.
Turning to look one last time, Graken took in his final view of Acadia before soldiering on over the surrounding mountains. As he went out of sight the Valmarians came over the ridge and surged towards the town to capture it and destroy all those who remained. At their head on a larger than normal stallion was their general, Hawken. All those left behing were slaughtered and the city was claimed for their cause as the original inhabitants fled to the four corners of the winds. The Hygelian civilization destroyed in one deft move that was not even met with resistance...
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #13 on: 05/01/03 at 19:39:21 » |
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I hope everyone likes the first chapter, let me know what you all think, if the response warrants it, i will put the next chapter up soon.
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #14 on: 05/02/03 at 20:50:14 » |
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i wonder if anyone is actually readin it, if so, please at least post u've read it lol.
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torment
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #15 on: 05/02/03 at 21:05:59 » |
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well joel my fave ripper  i like it so far i suppose,but cant really say much til u post more, so post more
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Kazul
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #16 on: 05/03/03 at 02:04:52 » |
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the story gets better, more in depth in next chapter, i have to type from the screen of my laptop to my pc, so give me a day or 2 lol.
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Horror
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #17 on: 05/03/03 at 11:58:14 » |
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Good story, hurry up and write more ;p
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Limit
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #18 on: 05/03/03 at 18:31:02 » |
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It sounds good so far Joel. Although you made quite a few spelling errors. Maybe go back and fix those... and try to make a few less mistakes in your next chapter. Overall i give it a 
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Maesse
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Re: The Diciple
« Reply #19 on: 05/05/03 at 07:08:50 » |
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It has real potential.. Im impressed  Let the words flow...
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Fallen angels at my feet·Whispered voices in my ear·Death before my eyes·Lying next to me I fear·She beckons me·Shall I give in·Upon my end shall I begin?
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