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Sauruman
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Need some feedback (and permission)
« on: 04/16/03 at 23:55:29 » |
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Hey all, I was writing a little story about the oringin of nightmist, I'd like to have some feedback on it. Oh, and to the familar names in here, is it okay if I use your names? If not, I can and will remove them. Thanks, read on.
In the large forest outside Arilin, darkness fell and a mist began to creep through the forest. It was the same mist that came every night, flowing as if it were a river of life, bringing
revitalization to the entire kingdom of Nightmist.
Years before there was any life on the planet of Razeil, the only thing that existed was the Mist. The Mist was more of an entity than anything. At one point it time, it received a vision from the future, by a guardian of time. It told the Mist of an evil power, one that seeked only to destroy it and gain it's power.
In a defense, the Mist divided into different areas and created Land, Water, Fire, Air and most essential, the Forest. It went further to create animated beings, each one tied to a Mystical foundation.
From the Fire of Pyros Crater came the Human race, able to accept many tasks in balance.
Then, from the Forest of Arilin came the race of Elves, who are most in tune with nature's beauty, power and wisdom.
Out of the waters of Ercule came the Halfling race, swift and cunning but also full of life, somewhat like a child. From the distant desert of Jahanna came the race of Dwarfs, strongest of all and very skilled blacksmiths.
Finally, from the Clouds of Windia came the race of Gnomes, highly skilled in magic and sorcery.
Years passed, and the first few of the beings were close to the Mist. One in particular was the Elf Druid, Pandilex. In a story as epic as this is, it begins thus.
As the sun in the sky began to set, all the creatures had begun to lay for the night and the plant life seemed to be at ease. This night seemed no more unusual than the nights before it, in due time the Mist would appear, and move over the surface of the planet to restore what was damaged.
Injured animals would be healed, dying plants would be restored, chipped mortar would be refurbished and creatures would be refreshed.
But, no matter how much of a blessing the Mist may have seemed, it held a dark secret. One so obvious that few ever realized it, and those that did realized its purpose, and were rumored to become part of the Mist themselves.
The power of the mist, albeit mainly healing, was deadly, and not meant to be encountered by the impure of heart. If it was, the stonehearted being would dissipate, and return to the Mist once more.
“Hmm……….” Pandilex thought as he walked through the tall grass of the open meadow, “I sense a strong magical entity somewhere near……..” he looked around, but there was nothing for as far as the eye can see. Just the city moat and it’s northern gatehouse, and a small, grassy trail leading into the forest.
Crunch.
He turned around quickly at the sound of sticks and straw grass crunching underfoot, but saw nothing once more. All he could see that seemed out of place was a patch of grass that seemed to be matted down, as if someone just stepped there.
Pandilex peered closer with a more intense stare, but suddenly from behind he could feel the Mist.
“Pandilex,” it spoke to him in a somewhat ghastly but calm voice, “what is it that troubles you?”
“Nothing, Master Mist. I just thought I had seen something.” He glanced at the field one more time, then him and the Mist retreated into the forest.
“Come,” said the Mist, “I have much to discuss with you.”
As soon as they were out of sight that patch of grass that he had viewed before moved across the field. Suddenly, from nowhere appeared a
Gnome, wearing golden robes that shimmered as the sun, even though it was night. In his hand he held a silver staff decorated with rune symbols that seemed to glow, and on his other hand perched a black raven.
“Dralia,” Spoke Protues, the Mage, “Follow them. Bring unto me a full report of their conversation.” He then smoothed his hand over the bird’s feathers as he mumbled something, then in an instant the raven disappeared.
“Pandilex, how are things in your kingdom?”
“All things are safe, Master. We have had few crimes, but nothing of real concern.” He sat down on a nearby log and twisted his staff in his hands.
“You seem, cautious, I can sense it in you. What do you fear?”
“I don’t know, Master. It’s just this night. There’s something that doesn’t seem right. Almost as if, nah. No,” He exhaled, “there couldn’t be.”
“Could be what?” Said the Mist in a questioning tone.
“A mage.”
“No, you say? Hmmm.” There was a brief silence, then he asked “why not?”
“Well, Master, Draco has been directing his followers well. They’ve become very good at spotting magical plots, and stopping the mages from causing further havoc. They are reminded of the incident in the Triken forest.”
Pandilex sat there, but there was no words exchanged between either him or the Mist.
After a few moments, the Mist said “I must tell you something. I didn’t know if you were ready, but it seems I have no choice. The reason I called you here is to transfigure you.”
Pandilex was shocked. He stood to his feet and held his staff firmly in his hand. “Master, I am honored you would choose me, but alone? And so soon, I still have business to tend to in the city. People need me there.”
“Pandilex, I know all this. But you are also needed here, as well as others that will be joining you as well. The Darkness is coming.”
Suddenly, Pandilex dropped his staff and held his chest, as if he were stabbed by something. “The Darkness? You can’t be serious, Master. The Darkness was destroyed at the battle between Arilin and Harabec. “
“It was an illusion, one to cloud the minds of the more simple. The Darkness is coming, only I can see it. It comes to destroy me, and it’s other intentions are not yet known to me. That’s why you need to be transfigured. You are would be of mortal birth reconstructed, you could see into the mind of it.”
“The Darkness has a mind?”
There was another silence, then the Mist said “The Darkness is a Mage.”
Pandilex turned around quickly and readied his staff. “Did you hear that?”
“I felt something, yes.” Pandilex moved through the forest, his robes stirring the heavy Mist around him. He could hear sounds of someone walking, hurried footsteps.
“They’re moving quickly Master, they must know their way through the forest well.”
“Yes, they do.”
“Who is it, Master?” No sooner after he asked the question, he fell through a brush and onto Johnathan.
“Away from me, you insane idiot!” He threw Pandilex off of him and into a large tree. “I saw you,
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The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.
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Bean
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #1 on: 04/17/03 at 00:29:40 » |
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More more more! 
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Chars: Bean, Kulidian, Elka, Elerabin *All four currently being leveled*
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Kharybdis
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #2 on: 04/17/03 at 01:28:45 » |
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Well, at least this one is coherent... that's a step in the right direction.
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Bean
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #3 on: 04/17/03 at 02:25:40 » |
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Im confused, Was that a compliment or a disguised insult? 
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Chars: Bean, Kulidian, Elka, Elerabin *All four currently being leveled*
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Uncensored
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #5 on: 04/17/03 at 04:34:12 » |
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I'm wondering, shouldn't this be in the role-playing forum?
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Do you know Deval? He's not very tall. He has a rather neat ball. He also pins guys against the wall shortly after his mating call.
Do you know Flux? I heard he does some strange things with ducks.
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Deval
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #6 on: 04/17/03 at 04:47:49 » |
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Nope
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'Madness you say! Do you fear me? Are you afraid of what I might do, of what I might say? What a fascinating reaction. Don't you find it somewhat encumbering?'
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Kharybdis
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #7 on: 04/17/03 at 05:04:45 » |
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It was an observation, Bean. This one is much more well written than the last "Nightmist story", seeing as how it's actually comprehensible.
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Bean
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I can be your angel, I can be your saviour
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #8 on: 04/17/03 at 05:21:14 » |
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Oh, Lol dont mind me Im easily confused, I'll just ask if anything confuses me. Get it all straightened up, and it'll be allll goooood
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Chars: Bean, Kulidian, Elka, Elerabin *All four currently being leveled*
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Pazzer
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #9 on: 04/17/03 at 19:24:41 » |
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You can use my name Venture(mage) Pazzer(paladin) and this story sounds GOOD so far
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contact me on Pazzer
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Kauldren
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #10 on: 04/17/03 at 20:10:42 » |
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if ur going to use a pally..use mine lol...Kauldren 
so much better than pazzer lol..all those who have "so-called" better pally's i dont care mines better 
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Norinth
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #11 on: 04/17/03 at 20:28:04 » |
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I thought Pandilex was a Human Mage...
And maybe Norinth, the old one comes back in the middle of the story  . Remember, hes no longer evil .
This is my 1000th post YUPEEE!!!!
* Norinth starts shooting lightning balls in all directions.
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Anything just ask  .
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Defiant
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #12 on: 04/17/03 at 20:55:31 » |
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Tebila - Mage, Necros - Pally.
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Jurian
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #13 on: 04/17/03 at 21:01:51 » |
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ooh i even got past the first paagraph good story
and bring in SUPREME or the_third_whatever or the third something (the third duke was my name pre reset :d could do for a story)
edit: edited some names after corrupteds reply :d
anyway i'm not telling they need to be in i just would enjoy reading ym name there lol (don't screw up the story jsut to put in my name lol )
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I dream about how it's going to end,
Approaching me quickly.
Leaving a life of fear,
I only want my mind to be clear.
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Teh Fluff
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tEh FlUfF
 
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #14 on: 04/17/03 at 21:04:26 » |
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I actually read this one, and I think he should use names that are a little more RP-ish? I don't think the_third would be very appropiate, but then again it is up to the writer not us. ^-^ good work man.
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Uncensored
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #15 on: 04/17/03 at 22:03:52 » |
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Modulation would be a cool name. That guy was cool...
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Do you know Deval? He's not very tall. He has a rather neat ball. He also pins guys against the wall shortly after his mating call.
Do you know Flux? I heard he does some strange things with ducks.
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Norinth
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The Elder Druid.
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #16 on: 04/21/03 at 11:18:31 » |
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You can use the name Ewin (the mage in the old story), I'm the owner.
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Anything just ask .
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Stotic
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Nightmist Game Staff
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We Can Rise
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #17 on: 04/21/03 at 22:51:11 » |
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I bet you own ssilx also.
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We'll douse ourselves in gasoline and hang our bodies from the lampposts.
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Bean
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I can be your angel, I can be your saviour
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #18 on: 04/22/03 at 06:15:20 » |
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So, Dude are you gonna write more? Cause Im like.... twitching here.
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Chars: Bean, Kulidian, Elka, Elerabin *All four currently being leveled*
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Sauruman
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Shall we shag now, or shag later?
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Re: Need some feedback (and permission)
« Reply #19 on: 04/22/03 at 07:00:24 » |
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Heh, thanks for the feedback all, but here's the delimma.
A few days ago we signed up for cable internet service, but our computer didn't like it for some reason. So my primary computer is down. Well, it can't connect to the net AT ALL (wierd, I think the problem runs deeper than that. :/ ) and I've had to spend my free time trying to backup a whole lotta files, because the computer is showing signs of corruption. 18 gigs of info that'll be lost if I don't do something soon. In short, the story has been coming along pretty slowly. But I can tell you this, I plan on getting the next insert in sometime next week. Keyword is plan.
Perhaps I need to make the iMac my primary. Hey, does nighmist work on macs? Laterz, and thanks again.
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The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.
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